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I have recently come across your website while
trying to find answers to some of the questions that seem to be eating me alive.
I know that everyday you probably get notes from people all across the country -
possibly even the world. I guess I don't know what makes me think that my story
would be special or stand out - but to me and one other special person - it is
Now I must say that ever since I was born I have been "sensitive" to my surroundings - seen and unseen. It has gotten to the point that my friends lovingly refer to me as the White Witch even thought I am not. I guess that this "Nickname" due to many different sets of circumstances, is probably warranted. I have learned to accept these affectionate - off handed jibes as uncomfortable acknowledgement of forces that they don't quite understand. I have one friend in particular [Tommy ] that knew what and who I was, from the very minute that we met. Now before I tell this story, I want you to understand that I am married and have been happily for 15 years. I love my husband and up until one day seven years ago I would never have dreamed of loving another man. That was until I met "Tommy".
On that day I met for the first time [in this life time] the person - the love of at least 3 of my past life times. [I will only relay one in this Email as each of our lives together is complex and would undoubtedly make for a 10 page Email].
I, from the first day have called him "Tommy",
without even thinking. A name which he absolutely hates to be called [and didn't
hesitate to tell everyone that he hated it] by everyone but me. From me, he says
it sounds strange to be called by his given name [Tom]. At first I thought that
he just let me get away with a lot that he probably wouldn't accept from others.
But now I know different. I call him Tommy now because he always has been Tommy
to me. I will tell you of one of the experiences that we have shared in this
lifetime by replaying an event that we both [via dreaming] relived from another
I know it sounds strange to say this as there is an old adage saying that " the eyes are a window to a persons soul" but I can tell you from experience that this [old adage] is true.
The first time that I saw Tommy although the body
and the clothes and hair may have been very different; the minute that I looked
into his eyes, I knew who he was. Not necessarily because I recognized the face
but because I recognized the soul behind the Sea Green eyes. Because, I had seen
that shade of green somewhere else in a different time and place. Because, I
have looked into these eyes over and over again. Not only in this life time but
throughout many other lifetimes. Oddly enough, Tommy has since told me [even
before I brought this up to him] that he had the same exact reaction the first
time he saw me. As a matter of fact a short time into our relationship, he out
of the blue, told me that he was fascinated by my eyes. He had been just as
fascinated by my Green and Gold eyes as I had been fascinated by his Sea Green
eyes. It was an instant [not attraction] but recognition. I knew this stranger
and I somehow recognized his Sea Green eyes.
The first distinctive experience that I ever had about " Tommy " was in a dream. I dreamt that myself and three other girls [who I assume were my sisters] were standing in front of a large plantation. It was a hot day humid day that was accentuated by a hot breeze that blew through the Live Oak trees. We were all in what I would consider to be rather "fancy dresses" standing out by an overly large white gate that closed off the drive to the big white house. I distinctly remember that my dress was bright yellow with white silk trim. I was being lifted off of the ground in a what we would consider a bear hug and then kissing an extremely handsome red headed boy. My heart was so full of love as I gazed into the Sea Green eyes of this young man that I literally felt like I was going to burst. Comically, it went through my head that I didn't care if my Father saw us kissing. I didn't care if Daddy didn't like him, this was my fiancé and we were going to be married one day. In that moment, I didn't care that my Father didn't like him. I loved him with every fiber of my being. That was all that mattered. Contrary to the gaiety of the dresses and the brief moment of elation and surprise at unexpectedly getting to see our men again, the feeling of overwhelming joy and relief slowly evolved into a bone chilling feeling of impending helplessness and overwhelming sorrow. The kind of pain in the heart that makes you wring your hands and cry out loud. It was as if he were already gone.
The happiness quickly left as I looked at the four boys/men - all young and strong and handsome in their ragged and dirty confederate uniforms. I quickly realized that we [the girls] were all beside ourselves crying and shaking with a gut wrenching mixture of fear, anxiety and utter helplessness. As the dream went on it all began to make more sense. I then saw myself begging Tommy not to "go back" because I knew that he [the man I loved ] would not return. I felt as though I was dying inside [I was literally in pain as though my heart was ceasing to beat] because I knew without a doubt that this was the last time that I would ever see Tommy.
And, it was - in that life time anyway. I watched
Tommy and the other men slowly walk away down a long road until they were out of
The next thing I remember in the dream was a long grey - what I would call a Lorry, being pulled by 2 dark colored horses up that same long two track drive way. In the back were two plain wooden coffins each one adorned with a bronze insignia of some sort. In one of the coffins was my sisters husband. In the other was Tommy. I watched them unload the caskets as my sister and I held each other on the ground weeping. As I wept I spoke over and over " not Tommy, not my Tommy". I woke from sleep weeping uncontrollably. Try explaining to your husband that your Beau, from over a hundred years ago, was just brought home in a coffin and you were weeping for him. It isn't easy.
Later that day, after retiring to my bed for the night, I tried to remember more about the dream [as this is often the best time for me to remember fine details of dreams from the night before]. I remembered with agonizing detail - that a single Musket Ball to the head, took Tommy from me.
Again, as I lay there watching the dream replay
itself in my head, I wept uncontrollably.
Ironically, the current day Tommy has a scar just
above his right eye just about the size of a musket ball. I have asked his Mom,
who I worked with and consequently became good friends with - what the scar was
from. She said; "you know, I cant remember". Tommy cant remember either.
It goes without saying that both Tommy and I know what that scar is from.
So for years, Tommy has carried this inexplicable
mark on his face. Consequently, for a lifetime and more, I have carried the scar
of his loss - in my heart.
A couple of weeks into our relationship I [for a reason that I cant explain] told Tommy of my dream, thinking that he would probably think that I was off my nut. To my amazement, when I finished, his eyes were filled with tears. When I asked him what was wrong, he simply answered;
"I know". You don't have to tell me. I have known for a while now and after a long pause he softly said; "I had the same dream".
He explained that the day after we met [the same
night that I had this dream] that he had gone to bed and had the same dream only
in reverse - meaning from his perspective. He said that I had Blonde Hair [
something that I hadn't realized during my own recollections of this dream] and
I was wearing a yellow dress and my blonde hair was stacked neatly in braids on
my head. An odd fact that he also mentioned was that I had eyes that were Grass
Green and Gold and Blue with Specks of Brown - The same combination of colors my
eyes are today.
He then shyly [Tommy isn't shy] and meticulously explained that in his dream, my eyes were what had drawn him to me and how he was amazed by the fact that they were all colors. He said that in his dream he just stared into them transfixed. He was inexplicably mesmerized by how beautiful he thought they were.
He went on to say that even though he didn't
remember a lot of what we had said to one another, he did remember one thing. He
remembered promising me, over and over again, that we would be married just as
soon as he got home. He said that I had [in the dream] told him that I had
dreamt that he had been killed in a battle by a gun shot to the head [rather
chilling fact to tell a man heading off to battle]. He said that I wept
uncontrollably as I told him that I knew that if he went back, that he would
surely be killed.
He said that in the dream that he just held me and
repeated over and over that he, no matter what, would never leave me and that he
would always be with me.
He then went on to say that he had explained to me [unphased by the information that I had given him] how my sister's husband along with himself and the two men, had snuck home after loosing battle and that the majority of their regiment had been killed.
He said that they had all been told to " draw back"
and regroup later at a creek [he couldn't remember exactly which one but he told
me he thought that it had an odd name even for Virginia].
So in the chaos of the failing battle, the boys had
decided to attempt to make their way home, in a desperate attempt to get home if
only for a short time. In his dream he recalled thinking, even as he watched me
beg and plead him to stay, that he knew deep down that he wouldn't be returning
home. He also had awakened weeping uncontrollably. The one and only time, to
this day, that this has ever happened to him.
Now as I stated before, there is a laundry list of inexplicable experiences that Tommy and I have shared. Other dreams, knowing when the other is troubled or in trouble. Visiting each other in dreams [Which - believe you me, is possible].
These and a lot of other things have been happening
for years. For years we have chosen to keep the occurrences secret. We love each
other more than anything yet we are apart. Can anyone tell me how I can
effectively deal with the feelings of overwhelming love that I feel for Tommy?
Can anyone tell me what I should do? I love
Tommy more than life. Yet again, we are being kept apart by circumstances that
are and continue to be - out of our control.
How do I live with this never ending feeling of
loss and disappointment? Does anyone have any advise? Everyday my
heart breaks over and over again. I weep for today and yesterday and what is and
what could have been. Help?
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